I would love to hear stories about your first love or your first date. Mine was aged nine and the object of my desire was Theresa Jones. Theresa and I won a competition at the school disco to discover who could do the twist the best. She won the girls and I won the boys and both of us were famous for a couple of days. The very next day I asked Theresa to marry me and presented her with a plastic ring from a lucky bag. She accepted and for a day all was well. The next day, she came to school without the ring and when challenged explained that she had buried it in her garden so her dad wouldn’t find out! Unfortunately she had forgotten where it was buried and had decided she liked Andrew Naylor more than me anyway, therefore the engagement was off.

Heartbroken for half a day I trudged off to meet my mates for footie. The course of true love never did run smooth!

I but know that I love thee, whatever thou art.

You look like your photograph was taken with a box brownie = your photo doesn’t do you any justice

You look like a ringer stood in for  your photograph = your photo doesn’t do you any justice at all

Apart from having a pulse we have nothing in common at all = We have absolutely  nothing in common at all = My, what a different life to mine you have been leading

You are boring me to distraction = Excuse my yawning. I had trouble sllepin what with the excitement of meeting you.

I really want to get away before I fall asleep = Wow! look how late it is and I have an early morning start at the charity shop

Take a serious article. Translate it into French using Babelfish and then translate back to English. The result is usually preety amusing. At least I think so!

Cary Grant, Hugh Grant, Marilyn Monroe, and Julie Roberts, that all do have in common? (Independently of two d’ between them having died)! They are all fabulous /were and flirty. The dating is competing. You give a little d’ an edge with these three higher ends l’ art of the flirt; it is large d’ to be a flirt, it is still better d’ to be a successful flirt. You should not be, attractive devastator, to good handle the beater your lids d’ eye, large breasted or rich person. … Establish the immediate direct visual contact, eyes are the windows with l’ heart, they can establish l’ intimacy, it can s’ to worry, or too intrusive, too with soon can cause the misunderstanding, thus l’ do not exaggerate. …. Put the questions about l’ another person. She shows sincerity, it is rejecting d’ to go a date and to bombard l’ another person with the intimate details of your own life. …… Repetition the name of the person. Repeat the name of people when you are introduced. Still do it during the conversation, and still while saying goodbye…. It shows sincerity, interest and returns l’ another significant feeling of anybody. Be hearted light; you point out that the dating is supposed being recreation.

It was a Friday evening and John and his wife, Bella, had just gotten into their fouth argument of the day and both were now giving each other the “silent treatment,” vowing not to be the first one to speak.

However, at bedtime, John realized that he would need his missus, who always awoke at 4:30am to wake him at 5:00am to get ready for an early morning golf session with his mates. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, John wrote on a piece of paper,

“Bella, please wake me at 5:30am.”

The next morning, John woke up at 8am, having missed his tee time with his friends. Furious, John was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper on his nightstand. The note read,

“John, it’s 5:30am. Wake up.”

It’s up to you whether you accurately describe yourself.  A lot of people dont hence -

“Slighty (massively) overweight guy 55 years (65) old and with a love of the outdoors (fetching the paper) seeks lady (slut) of similar age (hopefully 25 years old) for friendship (sex) and outings (darts at the pub). Sorry, no photo (married and taking no chances)”

Any ideas for alternative biographies?